Liquidation Sale

[moritric]

I'm still working on the revision of my last poem, but here's another.

Liquidation Sale

Because she climaxed at the clinic
and necked with the zig-zag cobwebs.
Whatchoosay? Whoa!

Because she applies a callous makeup,
contours her profile with buckshot.
Sting! Sting!

Because she’s crass and flashes
the knife-fingers of mania.
Unloads her voice for a song.

Because her teeth are tapped,
cleavage is hacked, her cell phone
surveillance button is checked.

Because it’s a symptom.
A symptom of a condition.
An indication of an impacted aplomb.

Because we reupholster her lips.
swap her off-balance jitters
with symmetry. How, when they are, even.

Because now she will crunch her own
tongue and flush it
like a bloody miscarriage of talk-talk.

Because now, when she cries violets,
she swallows the tar tears
endlessly brightly, brightly.

[roam free]

Dear moritric,

I think this is very imaginative, the imagery is riveting…could be any of a number of people I know. I especially like the opening stanza and the insertion of “Whatchoosay? Whoa!

I have no nits, thanks for posting.

Regards,

roam free

[Luce]

I don't know why but I think of a country star turned sleazy talk show host.

Lovely stuff. The images are razor sharp.

My favorite lines:

Because it’s a symptom.
A symptom of a condition.
An indication of an impacted aplomb.

I am kind of puzzled by the title though. Also you desribe a gross woman but the same woman seems to have been created by us.

Because we reupholster her lips.
swap her off-balance jitters
with symmetry. How, when they are, even.

Because now she will crunch her own
tongue and flush it
like a bloody miscarriage of talk-talk.




Hhhmmmmm.

[sonoranpoet]

I love it Bren! Just wonder if this strophe:

Because it’s a symptom.
A symptom of a condition.
An indication of an impacted aplomb.

should be your ending.

Excellent imagery as usual!

S.

[danculleton]

Much to like here.
Dan

[moritric]

Dear all, sorry I've taken so long to reply. A loved one has been ill and i've been commuting to the hospital. I'm a wreck. Your comments are so appreciated, especially now, that I'm beside myself with worry. All we truly have is today. I'm really learning that lesson. As soon as I'm able, I'll reply to your comments and post critiques on your poems. Thanks again. Hope you are healthy and filled with love and writing during the holidays.

love,
brenda

[Luce]

Not to worry Brenda. Take your time.

Worrying and/or taking care of an ill loved one ain't easy. Been there, done that more than once.

Take good care of yourself.

[ststearns]

I'm still working on the revision of my last poem, but here's another.

Liquidation Sale

Because she climaxed at the clinic
and necked with the zig-zag cobwebs.
Whatchoosay? Whoa!

Because she applies a callous makeup,
contours her profile with buckshot.
Sting! Sting!

the last lines in the first two stanzas are not working at all for me

Because she’s crass and flashes
the knife-fingers of mania.
Unloads her voice for a song.

Because her teeth are tapped,
cleavage is hacked, her cell phone
surveillance button is checked.

Because it’s a symptom.
A symptom of a condition.
An indication of an impacted aplomb.

Because we reupholster her lips.
swap her off-balance jitters
with symmetry. How, when they are, even.

Because now she will crunch her own
tongue and flush it
like a bloody miscarriage of talk-talk.

Because now, when she cries violets,
she swallows the tar tears
endlessly brightly, brightly.

This poem is very interesting and has a lot to offer - fresh and insightful, filled with pop sensibility and dark humor.

For me there is not a lot to pick on here, your diction and usage is just so FRESH. "Tar tears" i don't like but the rest is just fine- perhaps a little polishing might help, a little rework for tighter rhythmic sensibility.

Consistency of Metaphor - 4
Structure 3+
Sound/poetic Technique 4
11.75/15
add a point for deliciousmess of diction

12.75/15

[ha]

Greetings Brenda!

Unusual structure for you, am I right?

I think when one tries something different while
writing, often good things result. My guess is
this one effected such a result, right?

Tx Bren,

HA